I'm under a lot of stress lately.
I can't say that I have been very happy with myself or a lot of things with the past week. I'm finding myself pressured and feeling like I absolutely must do them because no one else can or wants to. Granted most of that pressure is from me, but I do feel I'm over tasked. I enjoy helping out people and being diligent, but it's starting to take its toll, and I'm quickly losing interest.
I already dropped out as mod from this one group I'm in, and am having such thoughts with my own group, again. I'm really not leader material, despite what some people might say of me. The events and projects there I have always struggled with to keep up. I've always been a follower, preferring to be the one GIVEN tasks rather than to GIVE them. Leading, or even hosting little things, have always been things I have struggled with, and the more I look at my group's failures, the more obvious it becomes to me that perhaps the idea was just too ambitious of a project. I'm supposed to be thinking up the group's first Task event, but even that I am having trouble bringing myself to do. It's not that I WANT to procrastinate, if anything I feel utterly guilty about that, and yet I am.
And to be honest here, I think I'm even starting to lose some interest in RP groups. That's not to mean I won't leave them, like HPM is still one of my favorites and I'm not going to leave that, if only because of my few friends, but... the interest is starting to wane all the same. I don't feel myself motivated to respond to notes or even to draw, and yet sometimes I have to force myself to do them because I feel bad for leaving people hanging. A friend of mine got back after weeks of working and wants to RP with one of my characters to catch up, and yet truthfully, I'm sitting here not feeling up to it. And I feel AWFUL about that.
The past couple weeks have probably been the most intense I have ever felt in a long while, and damaging to my confidence and nerves. I just feel so incredibly stupid and pathetic for a variety of reasons, and keep reminding myself of that. Further more, I feel incredibly unfulfilled and unaccomplished in my life. Every day I keep sitting here on my ass drawing, writing and doing things that in the ultimate end will probably mean nothing to a lot of people. I appreciate you guys when you say my art or writing is good, but really, it doesn't mean a thing to everyone else in the world. It won't pay bills, it won't get me my own roof, and even if I did do all that, people wouldn't take it seriously anyway. My dad consistently hates me in how I repeatedly waste my life away like this. He spills bullshit that I am supposed to be out working, living in my own place, going to college or uni to waste my time and money on, meeting other people, doing things that "normal" people generally do. And yet he is the one who fails to understand that getting a job and your own house is nigh impossible these days.
And yet in the same light, I find myself agreeing with him wholeheartedly. I ain't getting any younger. A week flies by in mere seconds, and I'll be 50 and old before I know it. I'm twenty-fucking-one years old, turning twenty-two in November, and I have accomplished nothing in my life.
Of course, that's why I'm getting that counseling, that social training, stuff that's supposed to help me in the long run. But really, it isn't. I don't feel any more independent than I've ever been before. My confidence sure as heck hasn't improved, and I'm pretty convinced I'm going to be depressed for the rest of my days. And on a whole I don't think there has been much improvement. To add to it all, my counselor dropped my case last month, and since then I've felt very lost on what to do. I have my other counselors who are training me, but even that will only last for so long. I'm supposed to be dropped sometime in the autumn supposedly, but like I said, there has been no improvement in the months of time I've started this.
They bitch to me too that I'm supposed to be actively looking for a class or a program to join. And I perfectly get their reasoning - they want me to get training for stuff and to meet people and to make friends. Yet every month I'm trying to look into these things, I either find that registration dates have long since past or that there is absolutely nothing that perks my interest. And frankly, I'm feeling so apathetic right now that I don't think I want to meet new people. It's not like it would be a lasting friendship anyway. I've met tons of people before that I buddy'ed up with, only to never speak or see each other again. Chances are the same thing would happen. Especially seeing as, I generally hate most people.
And in the end, I just feel like I am nothing, and that anything I try to do is pointless. People are free to disagree with me, and most do, but this is how I feel about myself.